21 July 2010.. Enen's very first Racial Harmony Day!
Afterall, this is her first year in school. :) She was appropriately dressed in an Indian/Punjabi child's costume, while her best babyhood friend, Megan, was in a modern Chinese outfit.
You probably wouldn't guess that the costume En was wearing, was exactly what Xuan wore two years ago when Xuan was seven years old & in primary one! The blouse needed absolutely no alteration (in fact, i doubt En could wear it a year from now); the skirt was altered by her capable grandma.. shortened by about seven inches! Presto~~ En has a beautiful Punjabi suit for Racial Harmony Day!
En'en turned three this month! At her age, this girl has progressed well... recently, she enjoys chanting and could chant Nam-myoho-renge-gyo very clearly. She also rarely skips her morning and evening practice, simply fantastic!
In communication skills, we thought she has quite good listening skills and commands her language well. After mummy's passing, she will regularly console Shin Yang with hearty statements like "Don't cry, you miss your mummy?", "You don't want your mummy to die?", "Don't be sad, ok?"... and most often, she will accompany her words with a big bright smile and a big hug.. so sweet, isn't it?
As usual, En'en celebrated her birthday at both places this year... being the youngest family member, i suppose she gets all the attention and pampering.
I was at the traffic lights waiting for the green light this morning when I noticed a civil defence ambulance right behind me.. and its lights was flashing. Would they sound the siren? Should I get out of its way? Somehow the sight of this light-flashing vehicle in my rear-view mirror looked painfully familiar..
My last journey with Mummy on the roads was in such a vehicle.. Mummy was already unconscious and into respiratory arrest when they put her into the ambulance. While the paramedics were busy resuscitating her at the back, I was in front watching the driver tearing down the road as vehicles hastily got out of its way. The speed was crazy; my mind was a total blank except for Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.. Surely, Mummy would be okay i thought. Why would she be otherwise? It was juz a few hours ago that I expressed relief that Mummy was finally able to sleep and drink up her beverage too, wasn't it? To be able to sleep and eat were definitely positive signs of recovery worth celebrating, wasn't it?
Shortly after Mummy was wheeled into the A&E ward, a doctor came up to speak to us. She bode unpleasant news.. very unpleasant indeed! First, she asked if we knew that Mummy was a terminal-stage cancer patient. Next, she told us because of that, the hospital would NOT put Mummy into ICU where she would be hooked onto machines and kept alive as long as possible. Then, she said Mummy would probably not survive the next few hours.. she won't make it to morning.
I want Mummy to live! As long as Mummy lives, hooked onto machines or otherwise, there's still hope for miracles to happen, right? Mummy's a fighter and she wouldn't give up, wasn't it? If she won't give up, why should we?? Why would the hospital give up on her?? Hospitals should help her live, not help her die!! What nonsense was the heartless lady doctor uttering that Mummy was already suffering and that we should not prolong or increase her suffering by inserting tubes into her? That we should love her and let her go and not hook her onto machines? Why would we send Mummy to the hospital if they are not going to help her survive? What an inhumane doctor telling us that we are unfilial simply because we want the best possible option for Mummy? She wanted to give Mummy antibiotic for the lung infection despite knowing that antibiotic will not work.. When we enquire about possible blood transfusion to help Mummy regain consciousness, they were adamantly against it saying her blood count was normal and blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah..
** **
When the traffic light finally turned green and the vehicles in front began moving, the ambulance siren wailed. I immediately signaled left and moved to my left to allow the ambulance to race forward. As it drove past, I can't help but kept chanting in my heart.. please, please.. let the patient live.. as tears started welling in my eyes.
Horrendously long nails - ugly! Nonetheless, I wish I never have to cut them again.. so that i can still think, "Mummy was with me the last time i cut my nails.." which wasn't so long time ago, isn't it?
It was a typical weekday morning when i visited her after dropping Enen at school. As usual she was seated on the sofa watching her morning tv programs. Of late, she had been requesting for massages on her shoulders, upper arm and back.. almost ceaselessly, from everyone - yati, jiun, hong, dot, me.. The aches or numbness or pain or all must have been quite unbearable.. :( Anyway, I was almost ready to give her my best massage except that my fingernails were too long; they would cut into her skin and cause her fragile skin to break and bleed, i thought. So on the spot, I quickly cut them all. All cut nails are edgy and sharp, so I was profusely scratching my nails on my legs to 'blunt' them before I massage Mummy. I still remember Yati giving me the puzzled look and Mummy asking me what was I doing scratching my ankle joints so hard!
... ...
I dread cutting nails, be them mine or my daughters' as I think I can never cut nails beautifully, like Mummy. Though Mummy almost never apply any nail polish to her fingernails as far as I can remember, Mummy's nails were always trimmed beautifully to a pointed ladylike shape. When I was much younger, I always thought I will naturally learn to cut nails beautifully after I grow up and become an adult. Alas, that never happened. Mummy never taught me how to cut nails like hers. She has also never cut my nails to those of her shape! Since young, she has juz cut my nails straight across to make sure they are short and neat.. but never pretty, pointed and ladylike, like hers. Hahaa.. guess how did i cut my daughters' nails?
Shortly after mummy's passing, the family took a planned holiday at our own Singapore's Universal Studio! Honestly when I was there, i felt so proud about Singapore to have this magificent Resort at Sentosa. There was really nothing to complain about. In fact at some in time, we were so indulged into the holiday feelings that we din even realise that we were in Singapore until the mobile signals and TV channels "betrayed" us! Worth visiting again...
Our family is not considered a big one.. My maternal grandparents only had Mummy and QQ, and my granduncle had two sons; Papa is the fifth of seven children. Since young, I have always thought funeral wake is the best place to rebuild lost bonds and foster new bonds among the younger generation as everybody spends those few days and nights together. This still holds true for us as cousins and close friends came forth to take over the running of Mummy's wake from us - the grieve-striken family, allowing us time to spend final moments with Mummy's body as well as sort out our messy thoughts and feelings. Thank you so much..
In addition to family and family friends, countless friends and comrades from the Soka family also came forth to offer their condolences and prayers. In fact, even on the very first night of Mummy's wake, more than 100 people gathered to chant for Mummy's early repose. Everyday we had to order more chairs for that evening to ensure we have seats for all who would come to chant for Mummy. I was terribly touched by the magnificent sight of the hundreds of comrades in faith who came to chant for Mummy! Mummy must have touched them in some way when she was alive, that's why so many came to pay their last respects..
There were many wet eyes amongst the participants at Mummy's funeral rite, especially when Aunty Lynn or 陵英阿姨 was delivering her speech. To help us recap, here is what she said that night.
那时我找出在 2008年2月27日海峡时报的 Mind Your Body。副刊里刊登的一篇专访媚英姐的文章， 题目是：Still Smiling After Throat, Cervical and Nose Cancer。我们才知道她从19年前开始已连续患过三种癌症，但她却能够勇敢地走过来。在文章中记者赞赏她是个勇敢的抗癌战士，更是所有癌症病患者的楷模。
About 4:55pm on Jun 2, 2010 was the last time I spoke to Mummy at her place. I bade her goodbye in my usual manner as she was sitting on the couch watching her usual 包公 series on the telly.
What was unusual was that she was almost sleeping the entire day and the entire night before, which was a rare luxury for her since mid-April this year where she began her slumberless days and nights. Despite her drowsiness, she refused to sleep further by late afternoon and made a tremendous effort to get out of bed. She proceeded to the living room where she drank some water and finished a bottle of herbalife shake as well as some soursop my 伯伯 & 伯母 had brought over when they visited her that morning.
I don't think she completed her episode of 包公 before she returned to the bedroom again. She went back to her slumber and slipped into unconsciousness amidst her difficult breathing.
According to the paramedics who brought her to the hospital in the ambulance that night, mummy has gone into respiratory arrest. She had a serious lung infection which her immune system was unable to fight.
According to Sherman, mummy's immune system had began shutting down a couple of days back due to lack of nutrients and fuel.. she hardly had any food intake and even threw up whatever little she ate.. This side effect of throwing up food from the nose cancer treatment during which she almost lost her life, did her in.. and she lost her life to pneumonia. Hence, despite a pronounced terminal-stage breast cancer patient, the cancer cells in her body were manageable but the viruses, bacteria and parasites were not.. at least not yet.
Most importantly, her poor ailing body was exhausted.. consistently she had eaten and puke most of the food she put through her mouth in the last twenty years; and despite her condition, for the last more than a year and a half, she had bravely and carefully swallowed countless supplement pills and capsules everyday to provide her body with ammunition to fight her cancer; final straw must be the indescribable pain and numbness she experienced all over her body on top of the daily sleepless days and nights in the past two months. Mummy is a fighter through and through.. although mummy has never gave up the battle, it must have been too much for her body to bear. I am sure she is as reluctant to leave us as we are overwhelmed with grief to see her go.. No doubt, she has left behind a legacy for us to follow up. She has completed her mission here and has gone on to begin a new mission.. for sure in a much healthier body; we should be happy for her. She has prolonged her life for exactly 20 years as she has wished, and has completed her duties as a filial daughter, responsible mum and wife, encouraged and nurtured numerous friends, gakkai members and leaders in their faith and lives, and even became a grandma of three lovely girls! Everyone is walking nearer towards death everyday from the minute he or she is born, without a single exception. What matters more than the length of one's life is what value the person has created in that life. Mummy has definitely lived her life more than well, and will remain an inspiration and role model to her children and many others. I am extremely proud to have this beautiful and courageous mummy, and will strive hard to be a daughter of whom she will be proud of too..
21 July 2010.. Enen's very first Racial Harmony Day! 
.JPG)
