En'en is three! : Jul-10

En'en turned three this month! At her age, this girl has progressed well... recently, she enjoys chanting and could chant Nam-myoho-renge-gyo very clearly.  She also rarely skips her morning and evening practice, simply fantastic!

In communication skills, we thought she has quite good listening skills and commands her language well.  After mummy's passing, she will regularly console Shin Yang with hearty statements like "Don't cry, you miss your mummy?", "You don't want your mummy to die?", "Don't be sad, ok?"... and most often, she will accompany her words with a big bright smile and a big hug..  so sweet, isn't it?

As usual, En'en celebrated her birthday at both places this year... being the youngest family member, i suppose she gets all the attention and pampering. 

Wailing Ambulance : Jul-10

I was at the traffic lights waiting for the green light this morning when I noticed a civil defence ambulance right behind me.. and its lights was flashing. Would they sound the siren? Should I get out of its way? Somehow the sight of this light-flashing vehicle in my rear-view mirror looked painfully familiar..

My last journey with Mummy on the roads was in such a vehicle.. Mummy was already unconscious and into respiratory arrest when they put her into the ambulance. While the paramedics were busy resuscitating her at the back, I was in front watching the driver tearing down the road as vehicles hastily got out of its way. The speed was crazy; my mind was a total blank except for Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.. Surely, Mummy would be okay i thought. Why would she be otherwise? It was juz a few hours ago that I expressed relief that Mummy was finally able to sleep and drink up her beverage too, wasn't it? To be able to sleep and eat were definitely positive signs of recovery worth celebrating, wasn't it?

Shortly after Mummy was wheeled into the A&E ward, a doctor came up to speak to us. She bode unpleasant news.. very unpleasant indeed! First, she asked if we knew that Mummy was a terminal-stage cancer patient. Next, she told us because of that, the hospital would NOT put Mummy into ICU where she would be hooked onto machines and kept alive as long as possible. Then, she said Mummy would probably not survive the next few hours.. she won't make it to morning.

I want Mummy to live! As long as Mummy lives, hooked onto machines or otherwise, there's still hope for miracles to happen, right? Mummy's a fighter and she wouldn't give up, wasn't it? If she won't give up, why should we?? Why would the hospital give up on her?? Hospitals should help her live, not help her die!! What nonsense was the heartless lady doctor uttering that Mummy was already suffering and that we should not prolong or increase her suffering by inserting tubes into her? That we should love her and let her go and not hook her onto machines? Why would we send Mummy to the hospital if they are not going to help her survive? What an inhumane doctor telling us that we are unfilial simply because we want the best possible option for Mummy? She wanted to give Mummy antibiotic for the lung infection despite knowing that antibiotic will not work.. When we enquire about possible blood transfusion to help Mummy regain consciousness, they were adamantly against it saying her blood count was normal and blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah..

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When the traffic light finally turned green and the vehicles in front began moving, the ambulance siren wailed. I immediately signaled left and moved to my left to allow the ambulance to race forward. As it drove past, I can't help but kept chanting in my heart.. please, please.. let the patient live.. as tears started welling in my eyes.

I want my Mummy back..

Nails : Jul-10

Horrendously long nails - ugly!
Nonetheless, I wish I never have to cut them again.. so that i can still think, "Mummy was with me the last time i cut my nails.." which wasn't so long time ago, isn't it?

It was a typical weekday morning when i visited her after dropping Enen at school. As usual she was seated on the sofa watching her morning tv programs. Of late, she had been requesting for massages on her shoulders, upper arm and back.. almost ceaselessly, from everyone - yati, jiun, hong, dot, me.. The aches or numbness or pain or all must have been quite unbearable.. :( Anyway, I was almost ready to give her my best massage except that my fingernails were too long; they would cut into her skin and cause her fragile skin to break and bleed, i thought. So on the spot, I quickly cut them all. All cut nails are edgy and sharp, so I was profusely scratching my nails on my legs to 'blunt' them before I massage Mummy. I still remember Yati giving me the puzzled look and Mummy asking me what was I doing scratching my ankle joints so hard!

... ...

I dread cutting nails, be them mine or my daughters' as I think I can never cut nails beautifully, like Mummy. Though Mummy almost never apply any nail polish to her fingernails as far as I can remember, Mummy's nails were always trimmed beautifully to a pointed ladylike shape. When I was much younger, I always thought I will naturally learn to cut nails beautifully after I grow up and become an adult. Alas, that never happened. Mummy never taught me how to cut nails like hers. She has also never cut my nails to those of her shape! Since young, she has juz cut my nails straight across to make sure they are short and neat.. but never pretty, pointed and ladylike, like hers. Hahaa.. guess how did i cut my daughters' nails?

Holiday@Universal Studio SG : Jul-10

Shortly after mummy's passing, the family took a planned holiday at our own Singapore's Universal Studio!  Honestly when I was there, i felt so proud about Singapore to have this magificent Resort at Sentosa.  There was really nothing to complain about.  In fact at some in time, we were so indulged into the holiday feelings that we din even realise that we were in Singapore until the mobile signals and TV channels "betrayed" us!  Worth visiting again...